Debauchery in the Orificium
by cancervantes
Summary: Could two non-living abominations find frue love in a hostile world?
1. Chapter 1

DEBAUCHERY IN THE ORIFICIUM

It was a fine Saturday morning in Lordran. Hellkite Dragon was still asleeping, Solaire of Astorias was up early gazing at the sunrise and Patches the Hyaena preppeared to observe the Sabbath. Suddenly, Pinwheel crawled out of his cave and began collecting corpses for decoration. Ze was in dire need of human leather for zir books' covers and the walls of zir bedroom could use some extra skeletons.

Back in zis librery ze was at the operating table autospying some Darkwraith douchebag ze caught earlier. He was certainly the fugliest human ze'd ever sawed. Suddenly, ze herd the door nocking

-Knock knock -said the door

-Whose it? -aksed Pinwheel

-It is I, Gravelord Nito. unbolt the entrance 4 i have an impotrant matter i knead to discuss with u -answered Nito gallantly

-Abyss consume me! This place is shit and the fuckin lord of the dead is at the dort! -thought Pinwheel to zirmself.

Cetainly, it was a most pleasant honour for any skinless Lordranese to be in the pressence of the lord, let alone have him as a guest. Songs were sung of Nito's ungodly Pleasureshaft, how it killed anything it toched and spreaded missery to all living beings. Pigwheel zirself often fantasized of caressing it and mabey give it a lick.

The tricephallus moonstrosity opened the door and saw a regal, yet handsome apparition. Nito was holding a huge empty casket in the gayest manner, but he seemed nervous somwhow.

-Your Highness -gapsed Pinwheel kneelingly -What do you here?

-I ran out of human skeletons and Izalith told me you were The go-to guy for human skeletons -answered Nito blushingly

-Why, yes, yes, please come inside, m'lord -said the host flirtly. -There's a beanbag at the bonfire and a bag of Cheetos if u wanna chill.

The excited host was tossing zir choicest bones to the bonefire and sweaping the ashes at the same time. Ze couldn't believe it, ze was havign a sleepover with his god!

-Thanks! I won't be here too long -whispered Nito, who was already having a panic attack when he sat at his host's bonefire. Deep inside he didn't want this evening to end.

They talked awkwardly about deathly gallows and Doctor Who, laughing at the the occasional witty joke of sassiness and soon they both agreed that they had to fucj. The Great Lored was shoking his peen with a hand and fingering his tailbone with the otter. The mere sight of this made Pinwheel cum but he got insta hard agayn.

-Okay, Im ready -yelled Nito loduly as he uncovered his 2 foot member.

The legends didn't do it justice. It was a horrifying sight no human could withstand. One could see an uncorrupted slab of thick red meat throbbing with eagernes, but starring at it too long and you could see the famed Deadlights within his veins. Whatever vision one had, the lustful appendage had a dog knot.

-Oh my, it's all your falut I'm already like this -said Nito in a cute manner while pointing to his erect boner.

-I think we should like bang or something -answered Pinheel.

-I was thinking the same! -exclamed Nito, hugging a pillow excitedly.

-I'll get the vaseline -shooted Pinwheel

Nito got up from his beambag and grabbed Pinwheel's left hand. His eyes wear emanating a deadful light and his Reiatsu began to fill the room.

-T'aint neccesaire sweetie -bragged Nito as he summoned a miasma of death and disease with his otter hand and smeared it on his throbbing meathorror

-I've have been longing for that cock ever since I joined your covenant -said the Mother

-This will be mad fun! -giggled the Child

-Mmm... Smells like ye olden days -Reminisced the Father

The Gravelord poisitioned himself behind his buttbuddy and began stabbing zir relentlessly with his blasphemous corpsedick. The rythmic crushing of bones and sinew resonated all the way up to Lord Gwyn's chamber pot located miles above in Anor London and shattered it in over 100 pieces. The fire LOrd giggled like a catamite becoz he new what was goin' on and summoned Smough readilly:

-Smough, come here right the fuck now and change my chamber potty! -sighed Gwyn

-U rang? -whspered Smaug in his ear, which freaked the fuck out of his Master

-Jesus Christ you fuckin moran! -cried Gwain -How do you even do that shit?

-Hmmmm -grunted Shmoug

-My potty is broken cuz Nito is fucking one of his bone buddies again. -Complaned the ancient Lord. -There's a mess on the carpet and u need to clean it before my childrens come home.

Smaugh grabbed a turd with a pair of latex gantulets he brought from a crazy Katana-wielding hobo.

-You know, old fiend? -said the deity clamly as he looked at the sunset from his balcomy. -The girls are growing up and I'm not getting any yonger. Time will come when I'll have to retire. I want us to b a family again and mabey go on vacations togethre like we used to, but I dread the day this world has no need for this old man. I just can't picture myself being so... useless!

He sighed and turned around.

-Whatever shall I do?!

Smough was no longer there. The city had suddenly turned dark and their was an ominous silence. Gwen somehow knew his daughter had perished and soon he would be next...

\- /3/ ! -shrieked Pinewheel in agonizing pain.

-I'm cumming! -cried out Nito while striking Pinwheel's bonegina.

When he climaxed, his seed crossed seas of time and space, spreading mortal pandemiae through all Creation and wiping out entire worlds. Thus he came, and embracing Pinwheel in his arms he axed:

-Art thou cryin, m'love?

-I think something has befallen on me eye -said the hexachirous freak.

-Mayhaps it's love? -risked Nito courteously.

-It must be so, that's been there a longe time, but now it doubtless wishes to be out. -answered the foul creature.

Nito had given him the Black Death.


	2. Chapter 2

Cumburger the Human

Wyatt T Cumburger used to be the toughest motherfucker at Sing Sing in the early 2020's. He came from an all-American househole, when he was a kid everyone said he was too advanced for his age and yet he always did the chores and even contributed with money when I started working. He had been found guilty of manslaughtering a whole train filled with people after a tragic hacking into the subway's system.

Life in prison was dificult but he was too smart for them all and in less than a month he was already ruling the place with an iron fist. One of the first things he did was getting rid of the crap music like rap and Justin Biebier, replacing it with Steam Powered Giraffe. However his days of glory were tragically short-lived... One dreadful night he was in his cell playing League of Legends with his bitches when a Mexican druglord shot him in the face out of jealousy. Fortunately, the murderer was soon trialed and died on the electric chair (they were in Texas).

It was only the beginning, though. Wyatt woke up and found himself in the middle of a garden with a bunch of shitty billdings. Overwhelmed by the new surroundings and unable to keep his balance, he grabbed onto a rock. He felt like he had the worst hanover, but he had no recollection of drinking, only of bleeding to death from the brane. He also started hearing an ambulance and some paramedics in his head trying to reanimate him. Last thing he heard was a defibrillator and his pain was no more. He regained full consciousness and felt even stronger than he already was in life.

After running around for an hour he found himself in front of a lake or something, with which he coght a first glance of his new self. He was donning a beautifully crafted grey fedora, a black Beatles hoodie made of cashmere, black fingerless gloves, black track pants and a pair of vintage Converse shoes: one black one white (just like his soul) and two thunder Zweihander+15, which he handled like they were made of foam.

Their he saw an asshole-looking guy with an goolden armour asleeping on the grounds and without thinking twice he sliced him on the head with a combo, killing him in the spot and taking all his souls.

-What hast thou done? -cried a fat monk standing on the roof.

-Why, he was about to kill the princess of fire -said the champion of justice.

-How can ya be so sure? -axed the fatty.

-Well, ain't it obvious? he had some clay on his boots -Cumburger remarked, lighting his electronic calabash pipe and offering his Zippo to the baffled cleric. -"Fancy a smoke, dead sir?" -He asked politely as a real gentleman.

-Yes, thank you sir... But what on Gwyn's name does that have to do with anything and how do you know I'm dead? -said the confused priest.

-Oh my, you're no different from the people of my time. -chuckled the hero. -As usual, you see, but yet yuo do not observe. That kind of clay only grows around the temple of Carim, and today is the day there [fake] goddess asks for human sacrifice. Now, as for you being dead, -he said as he fixed his hat- this whole place screams of death. I saw a zombie earlier chatting with a fat guy and all the enemies are undead.

-You truly are the chosen one! -exclaimed the monk, crying out of joy as he dropped his weapons. -Now, would you kindly tell me what gods you serve, so I may offer you guidance in this forsaken world?

-I have no use for phony gods. I like to see myself as a freethinker, a philosopher if you will. Religion is nothing but a bunch of fary tales for grownups -said Wyatt.

-I have never in my entire life thought about it that way -said the cleric- You have convinced me, sir...

-Cumburger -said Cumburger.

Suddenly, a sword came flying as if it were an arrow and got stuck to a nearby pillar. The srowd had a sun-worshipping fool standing on it with his arms crossed.

-Oy, ya havin' a laff dere, ointcha mate? -said the knight, who was well versed in Shakesperean dialects. -Why dontcha geroff dere and fight me mate? Ima bang u hard mate. I swere for me mum I gona get u betch, and teach u a lesson 'bout worshipin' the rite goths.

Who is the mysterious figure that sppeared in front of Cumburger? What reason does he have to be so cross with him? This and more questions will be answered in the next chapter. Dash X Clash X Wyatt's new Jutsu. 


	3. Introitus (ad Imperium Mortis)

Pinwheel and Nito had become mates 4death. The sex was marvlous and the chit chat was frightfully damn good. They were the peerest peers in terms of intellectual edification and both enjoyed organic tea like the plague. However, something was amiss and Pinweel could feel it. This caused the unholy fiend much sorrow.

One day they were at Nito's flat binge watching the sixth season of Supernatural on the couch. The sitting appliance was an authentic Victorian sofa made of ebonics, the solidified form of a cursed tongue of times past, and some expensive red velvet lining. Pinwheel always thought it uncomfortable, but Nito oft' said it was made for laying downsies, not for sittings, which only added to the former's inadequacy.

-"Baby, I think we have to get out more often" -quod Pinwheel

-"Ugh, you know I am an introvert, honeycomb" -groaned Nito in a disgraceful voice, which decimated a faraway country. "Going outside and doing things wear me out and I just want to be home baking cookies and knitting. They don't call me Knitto for nothing!"

-"An introvert?! You literally suck men's souls and turn them into your slaves!"

-"Perhaps the same could be said of ALL the legions of the dead"

-"I know, but there's gotta be more to death than havin' fish n' chips and watching the telly" -insisted the creature. "Do it for me, please? Thou, O lustiful Lord of horrors, creator of dismay, worshipped by the damned in the Pit. Unto thee shall the vow be performed by each soul in the final day, when all flesh cometh to Thee. Hear my prayer, _fons mortis_."

-"Alright dear, we're gunna go outside in the morrow and give a bunch of Humans a lil' fright. We gunna 'ave a jolly good time!" -ejaculated the Lord of the Dead from each and every skull of his tainted body.

And so they ventured to the land of the Living. It was a merry noon of March, Zephyrus had melted the snow of the vesper and Nature pricked the gonads of many a couples in the northern hemisphere. One such pair was hanging out in the woods of Astora. The woman was sitting under an oak tree made of wood while the man was Chopin lumber for the BBQ they were planning o have, but be warned naive men who waste their life in blissful inorance, for thou shall be the first to perish when the Death Lord ascends. Suddenly, the sky darkened and the grass withered as two shades approached from the North.

"Maledictis omnia sunt, exaudi ad Rex mortis" -whispered the Wind.

-"What is this feeling of dread? Why am I being tormented by visions of decay and helpless suffering?" -Wondered the woman out loud to her boyfriend who was a bit too far to understand her words.

-"What?" -he sayde.

-"Nothin dear" -she shouted -"I thought I saw something queer"

-"Oh" -He repied.

"Are you done Chopping wood from the woods, my love? Let it be known that I'm not adhering to the social conventions o our forefathers, the only reason I'm not the one doing the physical labor is because Fortune decided it when we cast die and clearly I won with a triple 6. It is the custom in Astora, by the way, to throw three dice instead of the more common two, as is practiced in lands like Anor Londo or Carim, but let the Heathen follow their wrong customs, fuck if I care. Truly, I'm no stranger to bringing bread on the table, both literally and figuratively. I built our family's mill myself, for Gwyn's sake"

She hadn't finished disclaiming herself when a deep cracking voice was heard in the vicinity.

"May the eternal darkness creep upon them" -Begged Pinewheel like an Italian girl who begs her dad to buy her a ring at the Porta Rossa.

Nito complied, and with a hand gesture he released a cursed air that fused the jolly lovers into a sad figure: Their flesh and legs gone, they joined at the hips in such a way that they always faced opposite directions and would never see each other in the rest of eternity. They, who once vowed to support one another, now became each other's detestable burden.

-"Teehee", giggled Pinwheel. "Let's call it Patsy"

And so they both walked home to the land of the dead, with their acquisition following them unwillingly, bound by means of the blackest magic, and home is where it stayed, until the mercy of a nameless champion freed Patsy from its tormentors' tyranny.


End file.
